The need to HAVE EVERYTHING SOLID SO NOTHING BAD HAPPENS IS AN OVERWHELMING LOAD TO CARRY. I HAVE WORKED SO HARD TO ALWAYS HAVE A PLAN FOR EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE TO ALWAYS KNOW A WAY TO FIX EVERYTHING THAT COMES MY WAY. I carry the load by myself and I show up for myself. I have to fix everything. I have to make sure everything is okay.

How do I let go of needing to have to fix everything? 

As I sat with myself tonight, I realized the first step is to see all the places I want to fix and all the places that are still yelling at me to keep fixing everything. To love the places that have always survived with feeling needed because they were able to fix. Like they are some kind of hero if they can stop a messy situation and keep everything stagnant. To keep everyone okay and resolving nothing. To hide how I feel so everyone else is ok. Saying the right thing so nobody else gets hurt. 

Tonight I choose to let go. I choose to let others make their own mistakes. I don’t have to be the fall guy for anyone. I don’t need to fix anything. As a mom I don’t need to fix myself or be somewhere else so everyone else can be okay. I don’t need to force myself to be anywhere, be anything or do anything. I get to be right where I am at. I am choosing to trust Adonai to take care of me and support me. To let myself fall and land wherever that may be.