The other day, I realized I wasn’t doing my children any favors by hiding how I felt when they did something that hurt or betrayed me. I used to think that being strong for them meant masking my emotions whenever they made choices that cut deep. The truth is, when they would disobey or lie, I would feel upset, angry, and frustrated—and they saw that. But those reactive emotions were just hiding what I was truly feeling underneath: betrayal and deep hurt.

By suppressing my true feelings, I was inadvertently conditioning my children to think that anger and frustration were the only emotions available. More than that, I wasn’t holding them capable of fully participating in our relationship or understanding how their actions genuinely affect others—including me. As their mom, I get to be a whole person, too. I don’t have to pretend to be something I was never created to be.

I used to love the idea that people needed to see Jesus when they looked at me, because it allowed me to remain invisible. It meant I didn’t have to be accountable for myself; I could simply hide behind someone great instead of staying present and showing up. 

But that illusion fell apart when I realized it isn’t what Jesus actually wants from me. The lessons He teaches me and the experiences I walk through are meant to give me wisdom and understanding. If I continually remove myself from the picture, I end up shutting down the very relationship where those lessons are meant to shine. 

I’ve been taking coaching courses for my own inner healing, but the real test came at a recent retreat. I was trying to walk someone through a deeply painful place, but I kept telling myself that everything would be fine as long as I stayed unseen. Because I tried to hide, all the wisdom and tools I’ve learned completely shut down. I got triggered, lost my footing, and wasn’t able to help the person right in front of me. It was an awakening. I could see the pain I caused the person in front of me. I was a little shocked when I realized that me not participating causes pain for others. I always thought that it was better for me not existing. (Yes, I have avoidant tendencies. You will learn more about them as we keep walking this journey).

Father showed me that He created me and I was never ment to hide behind someone else or something else. He created me to be seen. To walk beside Him and thrive with Them.